First, open adoption just means there is some form of contact with one or both birth parents. That could mean a letter and pictures once a year, to visits on a regular basis. Each adoption is different and it is up to the adoptive couple and birth parents to determine what their open adoption will be like. Each party has to be realistic and honest about what their wishes and expectations are.
Through being involved in an adoption support group, Families Supporting Adoption (FSA), I have gained so much knowledge and perspective about adoption that I would not have gained elsewhere. I have been able to talk to birth moms and many adoptive parents about their experiences. Each of their adoption stories is different and each of their relationships with their birth moms is different. So, I don't know what our adoption story/ family will end up looking like, but I know that since Joel and I are seeking an open adoption and wanting the birth parents to be a part of our family as well, we will hopefully have a great relationship and establish our own open adoption story.
Another thing I don't think people who have not gone through adoption realize is that it is a hard process with everyone involved. Each party has difficulties and struggles before them through this process, but it does not mean because we all struggle, we know what the other is going through. Just because I struggle with infertility, does not mean I understand what a birth mom considering adoption feels. I cannot even comprehend how difficult of a decision it is to place your child for adoption. It is the most selfless thing a person can do to place their child for adoption.
So why is open adoption so scary to people? What is it that we are all afraid of? This is something Joel and I have also thought about. It is scary because we cannot know the other person's real intent. As a hopeful adoptive parent, what are some of my fears?
Adoptive Couple's Fears:
-Birth parents change their mind about placing their child for adoption
-Child will be upset that they are adopted
-Having a child placed with us & then taken away
-How much/ little involvement the birth parents have with our family
Birth Parent's Fears:
***I do not pretend to know their fears, but if I got pregnant when I was younger and unmarried, these might have been some of mine.
-Never see my child after they're adopted
-Adoptive parents saying they want an open adoption & then once I place my child with them they disappear/ no contact with me
-Did I place my child with the right couple?
-How will my child turn out and will I ever know?
These are all understandable fears from both parties. From the receiving end of adoption/ adoptive parent side, I can tell you that I am not that fearful of those things anymore. Yes, they all could happen, but I truly am seeking an open adoption with our birth parents because I want to eliminate those fears they could have too. I want them to know that once they place their child with us, they are also becoming a part of our family and I will love them forever. I want them to have contact with us and their child. I want them to see how they grow up and what they turn out to be.
I also want to be able to talk to our birth parents so that when I'm raising my child, if they have questions about "why was I placed for adoption", "do I look like my mom or dad", "what made them pick you to be my parents?" I will be able to say, "That's a great questions, lets call them and you can ask them." If my child ever has health problems, I want to be able to call their birth parents and find out if its something that runs in their family. I also want them to know where they came from, and feel and know the love their birth parents have for them.
There cannot be too many people that love my child. Open adoption is beneficial to all parties involved: birth parents, adoptive couple, and adopted child. I found this video online and it melted my heart. This is the beauty, and unfortunately the pain associated with adoption. But see, they ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
